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Vermont Governor’s Advice for Surviving Coronapocalypse


(Note — This is satire, not an actual message from the governor.)

MEMO TO: All Vermonters

FROM: Vermont Governor

RE: Coronavirus emergency measures

My Fellow Vermonters:

I’m writing to follow up on my recent “stay at home and be very scared” directive, to update you on coronapocalypse and offer suggestions for everyday living in these difficult times.

But first, I want to express my gratitude to state legislators for largely staying at home these past few weeks. 

I know they have been diligently working every day on Zoom. But despite the awful virus situation, it’s been so much quieter here in Montpelier — just generally more pleasant — without having to listen to the opinions of 180 other elected officials, most of whom are pesky Progressives and Democrats.

In particular, it’s nice not to have to do anything this year about climate change. I’ve gotten away with that for several years and it looks like I’m gonna skate by again this year.

Second, I want to pass along recommendations from the Coronavirus Hazardous Area Operations Subcommittee (CHAOS), of which I am chairman. 

We hope these suggestions help you bide the time more pleasantly at home, or wherever you may be illegally traveling outside your residence.

Many Vermonters now face the question of how to get their food. While wearing a mask when you go to the grocery store can provide some protection, masks are in short supply. 

One innovative approach being pioneered in Addison County is to repurpose old bras for use as masks. You might want to try this if you have a sewing machine handy.

It’s also important to know that in cooperation with the FAA, regulations barring food delivery via drone have been temporarily suspended. All you need is someone at the grocery store to load up your groceries, plus a drone large enough to deliver all those extra rolls of toilet paper.

But as is so often the case in our wonderful state, the solution to your food worries may be right there at home. 

Many of us have vegetable gardens, so you might want to consider what you can find lying around out there. Check for onions that have overwintered. And don’t forget to dig deep for any half-decayed potatoes you can salvage.

In a pinch, consider digging up old turnips. Try cooking them for several hours until they form a glutinous mash that you can sweeten with a whiskey chaser.

One way to support our local businesses, of course, is to order restaurant food for delivery to your door. 

But instead of just ordering food, how many of you have thought of ordering the actual chef? She could come cook on your back porch — of course maintaining six feet of distance from you and family — and then toss the food to you once it’s cooked.

Among the many surprising shortages we are encountering this week is a drought of jigsaw puzzles. Most Vermonters have by now worked through their supply of puzzles, which typically they have found buried in dusty closets or hidden under mouse poop in the attic.

You could of course borrow a puzzle from your neighbor. But especially with the big puzzles, it’s tiresome to have to disinfect 1,000 individual pieces with Lysol.

Again here, it’s helpful to innovate with what you have. 

Look around your house and I’ll bet you’ll find one or two pieces of furniture that you’re really sick of looking at. Think about taking a chainsaw to that furniture and cutting it up into little tiny pieces. Et voila! You have a new puzzle and can now spend many joyful hours putting it back together again.

I realize that many of us are watching movies to while away the days inside. For a local twist, consider renting one of the four Vermont-themed movies that Jay Craven made from books by Howard Frank Mosher:

-“A Stranger in the Kingdom” (no, this is not about a Manhattan resident fleeing New York  City)

-“Disappearances” (ditto)

-“Northern Borders” (the line between Addison and Chittenden counties)

-“Where the Rivers Flow North”

And if that last movie title makes you think of escaping to Quebec, fuggedaboutit. I checked, and unfortunately they’ve got the virus up there, too.

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