With the election less than two weeks away, I sat down recently with President Donald Trump for another of our intermittent (and imaginary) political “discussions.”
GD: Mr. President, I understand you’ve taken a surprising amount of interest in the Addison County State Senate race. Why is that?
DT: You’ve got this guy Paul Ralston in the race. He’s a lot like me.
GD: How so?
DT: Well, he saw the light. He used to be a Democrat and now he’s a Republican.
GD: Actually, sir, he’s running as an independent.
DT: He and his running mate, Marie Audet, did a fundraiser with the Republican governor. So draw your own conclusions.
GD: What are your thoughts about Ms. Audet, the other independent in that race?
DT: Well, I can’t say. I haven’t seen a picture of her. When it comes to women candidates I go by looks.
GD: She says she has a strong environmental record as a farmer using Cow Power and wind power. But it’s also clear she would be a strong advocate for conventional agriculture, meaning dairy. Agriculture is the biggest polluter of Lake Champlain, so some people are unsure where she’ll come out on clean water regulations. And by the way, your tariffs are hurting our dairy and maple sugar industries.
DT: We’re going to fix that. Once we get beautiful clean coal keeping Vermonters warm again and put all those Vermont coal miners back to work, people will have forgotten all about the tariffs. I understand your towns even have someone designated to be the weigher of the coal.
GD: That’s true, but it’s an historical holdover. Nobody actually weighs the coal. We don’t mine coal here and we don’t have any coal miners.
GD: You might be interested to know that there is also an openly Republican candidate in the Senate race, Peter Briggs. And a Libertarian, Archie Fowler.
DT: At least you’ve got a couple sensible people running for office.
GD: Let’s talk about Vermont’s governor, Phil Scott.
DT: Wait — is he the one who supported those new gun control laws?
GD: Yes, he did. On the other hand, he vetoed bills to provide paid family leave, raise the minimum wage and protect children against dangerous chemicals in toys. But then again, he also signed a bill partially legalizing marijuana and came out against having local Vermont police enforce immigration laws. And he said he doesn’t want the state to provide the feds with personal information that could be used to create a registry of minorities — Muslims, for example.
DT: Well, I thought he was a Republican but obviously not. I guess he’s really part of the angry, despicable Democratic Party mob. Democrats proved they would say anything to destroy a good, hard-partying beer bro like Brett Kavanaugh. They want open borders, higher taxes, amnesty for gang members and other illegals, and they don’t care about the national emergy (sic) in Mexico, where unknown Middle Easterners are about to attack us at the border. It’s almost as bad as the situation was in Nambia (sic).
GD: Actually, sir, Phil Scott is a lifelong Republican.
DT: That’s gotta be fake news. Has he body-slammed any reporters?
GD: Not a single one. In fact, he’s known for being a courteous guy.
DT: What a wimp. And why aren’t Vermonters worried about Canadians and unknown Middle Eastern terrorists invading across the border from Montreal?
GD: Well, the Canadians seem pretty content to stay where they are. Maybe it’s the legal marijuana. And there’s no credible evidence that terrorists are trying to come across the Canadian border.
If I could, sir, let’s go back to the Addison County State Senate race. What about the other candidates? Ruth Hardy has served on the school board and leads a group that trains women to run for office. Sen. Chris Bray supported clean-water legislation and local control over wind and solar projects, and helped grow Vermont agriculture through the Farm to Plate Program.
DT: They’re obviously part of the Democratic Party that hates America and wants to see us fail.
GD: I think most Vermonters have a more favorable view of Democrats.
DT: Another piece of fake news. I won Vermont in 2016, you know. Bigly.
GD: Actually, sir, you didn’t even get a third of the vote.
DT: I would have won in a fair election. It was obviously rigged. What about all those Mexicans who the Democrats bused into Vermont so they could vote for Hillary Clinton? She should be in jail, by the way. Lock her up!
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